To Rosilyn, The Child I Lost

My Dearest Rosilyn,

You were like a snow day to a teacher in the middle of February: unexpected but so desperately desired. I could’t help but smile; I wanted to shout the news from the rooftops! Oh, Rosilyn…the moment we decided on your name…Rosilyn…i my heart I knew it was you…Rosilyn…it resonated just the way it did when we named your sisters.

A part of me died that morning when I saw the blood because I knew…I knew it was you saying goodbye. Oh, sweet child! I can’t find the words to describe my guilt! here are no words wicked enough or depths dark enough to match the horrible things I think about myself for losing you, for letting you slip away. I failed you, Rosilyn. My body was not strong enough…my love was not enough…I was not enough…

I WAS NOT ENOUGH.

Since losing you, I’ve been more than a little lost myself. Sometimes the days will pass as a blur. There are days where I will become overwhelmed with darkness. Sometimes I will feel as though I’ve lost all control. The emotions often swallow me, like huge waves crashing on the beach. I now find myself feeling empty on the days when I should have been feeling most full with you, days when your feet would have been so clearly defined when you kicked around inside me. I’ve tried to take away the emotional pain by inflicting physical pain upon myself. I let myself become consumed by a monstrous force of self destruction. I’ve wanted to die with you, sweet child… I thought that death would be less painful than this life without you.

I’ve been surrounded by the heavy fog left in the dawn after your departure, a fog so thick I’ve not been able to see what’s really right in front of me. Hidden in that fog, though, sweet Rosilyn, is my life…a life that still has purpose. My body may have failed you, but it needs to continue to function so that it can make music with my students and share that passion. My love may not have been enough to keep you alive, but it needs to stay here and continue to embrace your beautiful sisters because they need their mother’s love. I may not have been enough…I am not ever enough on my own for you or anyone else, but thankfully I am surrounded by amazing people who are stronger, smarter, and lovelier than I and they won’t let me drown.

I’ll always carry you in my heart, Rosilyn. The flame of my love for you will never die so long as I choose to live. Every beat of my heart will include an ache just for you. And although I failed you, I can only hope that you knew only love, because from the moment I knew you were in me, all I felt was love. So much love…and uninhibited joy.

All my love, forever and always,

Mommy

Author: musicmaker182

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